Explanation: This is sort of a response to the NCS (non-consensual sex, in case anybody forgot the lingo) fics where the boys are magically cured of psychological trauma by screwing like ferrets in heat. Just wondered what they would think about it... and why they would go along with it...
"Sexual Healing" is by Marvin Gaye.
The numbers in ( )s refer to comments from the peanut gallery... (Don't worry, I pasted all the relevant quotes down at the bottom so you don't have to hunt for them)
Oh, and karaoke machines in the kitchen again. It's getting to be a running gag. (Wufei runs past carrying a karaoke machine, wailing into the microphone, "Wheeeeeere's the justiiiiiiiiice?")
Okay, enough preamble! The boys' pizza is getting cold.
fic by Aoe

Sexual Healing

Duo slammed through the door of the small apartment, startling the other four pilots, who were calmly eating pizza. The braided boy, looking a bit... disheveled (1), struck a dramatic pose in the doorway, one arm over his face, the other cast out behind him, and declared in a very loud yet mournful tone, "I escaped! Finally! Those Oz bastards... oh, Heero, it was awful! That Treize is such a perv!" (2)

Wufei looked up at the posing boy with a glower. "Hey," he objected. (3)

Duo peeked from under his arm at the Chinese boy, "Sorry, Wu," he apologized. Then he let his arms fall and dropped to the floor on his knees, crawling over to attach himself to Heero's leg like a barnacle. With a braid.

"Oh, Heero," he wailed mournfully, again. "They did such... terrible things to me... I don't think I'll ever be able to eat zucchini again... "

"You don't like zucchini," Heero observed, glancing down with vague curiosity at the boy hanging off his leg.

"I know! I can only thank God, at least I would if I believed in God, that they didn't use cucumbers!" Duo muttered harshly, his eyes glistening with unshed tears at the very thought.

"Yeah, you like pickles," Heero agreed.

"Anyway," Duo continued, his voice suddenly soft and hesitant, "they did just... awful things to me, Heero... And I feel so... Oh, Heero!" he wailed, burying his face against Heero's spandex clad thigh.

Heero frowned down at the weeping boy for a moment, then commented idly to the group in general, "This has the distinctive feel of an NCS recovery fic." Trowa, Quatre and Wufei all nodded sagely. Heero took a thoughtful bite of his pizza, studying Duo's head with a mild scowl.

After a while, Duo punched Heero's thigh, not looking up, and muttered, "Comfort, baka, comfort. This is the part when you are moved to one of your rare displays of tender emotion and care for me in my moment of need."

Heero snorted. "I thought you decided you weren't going to do this sort of fic anymore," he remarked, slipping a piece of pizza down to his lap. Duo grabbed it and started chewing, still keeping his forehead pressed to Heero's thigh.

"Well, yeah, I know I said that, but you know me, I change my mind a lot," he commented. "Pass me a beer, would you?"

Heero passed him a beer, watching with genuine admiration as Duo managed to inhale most of the can without abandoning his Pose-O'-Misery. "Well, what made you change your mind about this?" he asked.

Duo muttered something under his breath, then a little louder, declared, "I don't want to discuss it. Just play along, okay?"

Heero frowned, sprinkling salt on Duo's bowed head to see if he would notice. He didn't. "I never know what I'm supposed to do in these things," Heero complained.

Duo finally raised his head from Heero's leg and scowled impatiently. "You're just supposed to... you know... make me better," he explained.

Heero glanced around at the other boys, none of whom seemed to have any useful advice, and began rummaging around in his shorts. He pulled out a gun, a hand grenade, a box of lime jello mix, a spare laptop, a personal self-destruct device, a camcorder, a nearly empty tube of lubricant, a wrinkled Playboy which he immediately hid away again, eyeing Duo nervously, and a handful of condoms (safety first). (4) Duo, having seen the show before, was not impressed, using the moment to steal the rest of Heero's beer. Everyone else looked on, fascinated.

"Well, that's everything," Heero announced. "And what do you know, still no psychology degree."

Duo shook his head wearily. "You never learn, do you?" he asked rhetorically.

"No," replied Heero, who had also apparently never learned about rhetorical questions.

Duo sighed and rolled his eyes. He turned a pleading gaze to Trowa and Quatre. "You guys do this act all the time," he whined. "Why can't he figure it out?"

"Perhaps because it defies logic?" Trowa asked conversationally.

Quatre nodded in agreement. "Yes, I always have a hard time with those storylines," he agreed. "They just make no sense."

"They're not supposed to make sense," Duo growled through clenched teeth. "They're written by teenage idiots who think life is an afterschool special, for God's sake! (4.5) They're just an excuse for sex!"

"Sex?" Heero asked, perking up. (5)

"Duh! Yes! Sex!" Duo yelled at him exasperatedly. "Follow the bouncing plot, Heero! I was recently captured by Oz, but instead of killing me outright, despite the fact that we always seem to escape whenever they capture us, they decided to torture me for information. The actual torture itself was too gruesome and graphic to go into, but just for the purposes of tantalizing hentais, I've dropped hints that it involved Treize, a zucchini, and probably my ass!" (6) Wufei surreptitiously raised his napkin to his nose, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. (7) "Anyway," Duo went on, "I have escaped and made my way back to this safehouse, but I have been wounded to the soul by this unhappy experience, and now you have to make me all better." The last was ground out through gritted teeth as Duo grabbed Heero's tank top and pulled the scowling boy's face up to his own.

Heero frowned even harder. "And I do that by... ?" he asked irritably.

"Oh. My. God," Duo said flatly, staring at the Japanese boy. He sighed wearily. "All I wanted was a nice little PWP, but no, Mr. Logical has to be difficult... " Duo muttered to himself.

"I'm confused," Heero declared firmly.

"Okay. Fine," Duo said calmly, standing and walking away from Heero to the kitchen cabinets. Like most of the pilots' hideouts, this apartment sported a deluxe karaoke system in the kitchen. Duo spun the volume dial to max and started the music as he turned back toward the table full of curious pilots and planted his hands on his hips. "Okay, Heero. Here's how it goes. I've been molested by bad men (8), and now I feel all icky and unloved. Your job is to make me feel better, and of course, we all know there's only one way to do that."

"I'm still confused," Heero said stubbornly.

Duo rolled his eyes, but his hands began unbuttoning his slightly ragged black overshirt as he began to sing.

Ooh, now let's get down tonight
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger

Heero cocked his head in confusion. "Treize shoving vegetables up your ass makes you horny?" he asked. (9) Wufei crawled under the table.

"Is a zucchini a fruit or a vegetable?" Quatre asked Trowa conversationally.

"Vegetable," Trowa replied. "It's a form of squash."

"Oh, right," Quatre murmured. "But isn't there some fruit -- "

"Bananas," Trowa answered shortly. Quatre raised a curious eyebrow at him. Trowa flushed slightly. "I don't want to talk about it." (10)

Duo stamped his foot in irritation at the interruptions even as he shrugged out of his black shirt, leaving only the skintight white undershirt (11), and pinned Heero with a determined, somewhat deranged glare as he continued singing.

I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me

Heero's eyes widened in understanding, then narrowed in incredulity. "But that's utterly ridiculous!" he argued.

"Who cares!" Duo yelled, grabbing the tank top again and shaking Heero back and forth. "I want to get laid, damn it! (12) It's the only redeeming quality of these stupid stories! I get gentle, considerate sex, not your usual wham, bam, thank you Shinigami!"

Heero pouted slightly at this description, but Trowa was nodding his head sagely. "That's true," he agreed, "the sex usually is nice."

"Trowa!" Quatre exclaimed, sounding shocked. "I thought you hated those stories!"

"Well, mostly I do. But sometimes... well, at least I don't generally end up killing myself or getting abused more," he declared somewhat irritably.

"But they make you so whiny... " Quatre protested.

"True," Trowa said, nodding. "But the payoff is sometimes worth it... " The tall pilot stood and began singing himself.

Whenever blue tear drops are falling
And my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing

Duo dropped a somewhat dizzy Heero back into his chair and bounced to Trowa's side, throwing an arm around the taller boy's waist as they sang together.

Get up, get up, get up, get up, let's make love tonight
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, ‘cause you do it right

Quatre and Heero eyed one another nervously as Duo and Trowa seemed to really be getting into the act. The two were rubbing against one another, not very subtly, while eyeing their respective partners like large jungle cats would raw meat at feeding time. (13) They began trading lines of the song back and forth.

Duo: Baby I got sick this morning

Trowa: A sea was storming inside of me

Duo: Baby I think I'm capsizing

Trowa: The waves are rising and rising

Quatre repressed a shudder at the look Trowa was giving him. He'd wanted to take a nice bath and turn in early tonight. (14) Oh well, so much for that idea.

Heero watched the two pilots caressing one another in a manner that came very close to being downright indecent, right there at the dinner table, and once again congratulated himself on selecting spandex for his wardrobe. (15) It stretched so nicely.

Wufei was whimpering softly under the table, but couldn't be heard over Duo and Trowa as they began singing in unison again. (16)

And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Sexual Healing, baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
And its good for me and it's good to me
My baby ohhh...

Duo and Trowa separated, each of them stalking toward their chosen partners. Quatre looked wary but accepting. Heero looked dazed but excited. The Japanese pilot rose to his feet and grabbed Duo's hand and braid, beginning to walk backwards toward their bedroom. Duo sang happily all the way.

Come take control, just grab a hold
Of my body and we'll be making it
Honey, oh we're feeling fine

Trowa advanced on a nervous Quatre. "Um... headache?" the little blond attempted halfheartedly. Trowa raised an eyebrow, but only grinned wickedly. He grabbed Quatre and began dragging him off... toward Heero and Duo's room.

"Trowa?" Quatre asked, his voice cracking slightly.

Trowa chuckled evilly. "Take three and call me in the morning," he remarked.

"Isn't that supposed to be two?" Quatre squeaked.

"Damned if I'm sitting out," Trowa countered, resuming the song as he dragged a struggling, but somewhat intrigued Quatre toward the still-open door. (17)

You're my medicine open up and let me in
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate

The two disappeared into the bedroom, and a moment later, Duo's voice echoed loudly,

I can't wait for you to operate

Then Trowa and Duo practically howled the last line together...

When I get this feeling I need Sexual Healing...

Left alone beneath the table, Wufei attempted to control his breathing and ignore the sounds coming form the nearby bedroom. He glowered at the open door and muttered, "Where's the justice?" After a moment, he pulled out a cell phone and punched in the memory code "13". A moment later, he said, a touch huskily, "Yeah, it's me. Are you busy? I've got this strange craving for... zucchini... " (18)

~owari

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

Treize: (raises an eyebrow, fingering the hilt of his sword meaningfully.)

Uh... Comments from the Backstage Audience?

Treize: (smirking) Much better.

1-The braided boy, looking a bit... disheveled...

-- Rashid: (wearing his Manguanac Dishevelers Unlimited company shirt) You know, next to Master Quatre, that Maxwell boy is our best customer... (Note: If you don't get this joke, you obviously haven't been to our image gallery yet...)

2-"... That Treize is such a perv!"

-- Treize: (frowning slightly) I am a sensual hedonist. Not a "perv". Just ask Milliard.

Zechs: (stifling a snicker) Right you are, sir.

3-Wufei looked up at the posing boy with a glower. "Hey," he objected.

-- Trieze: (smiles pleasantly) Ah, thank you for defending my honor, Dragon.

Zechs: (rolls eyes, comments unenthusiastically) You go, Wu.

4-He pulled out a gun, a hand grenade, a box of lime jello mix, a spare laptop, a personal self-destruct device, a camcorder, a nearly empty tube of lubricant, a wrinkled Playboy which he immediately hid away again, eyeing Duo nervously, and a handful of condoms (safety first).

-- Zechs: (frustrated) How the hell does he do that? I can't even get all my hair into my helmet!

4.5-They're written by teenage idiots who think life is an afterschool special, for God's sake!

-Aoe: (sheepishly) Um, that's just Duo's opinion...God knows I've written enough sexual healing in my time, and I'm, uh...not quite a teenager anymore...

5-"Sex?" Heero asked, perking up.

-- Zechs: (snickering) For a guy with such fast reflexes in battle, he's pretty slow on the uptake.

6-"... it involved Treize, a zucchini, and probably my ass!"

-- Treize: (raising an eyebrow in eloquent surprise) Milliard, make a note...

Zechs: (deadpan) Wouldn't actually work, sir. Zucchini gives him a rash.

Treize: (frowns suspiciously at Zechs)

Zechs: (blinks innocently)

7-Wufei surreptitiously raised his napkin to his nose, a faint blush coloring his cheeks.

-- Treize: (smirking) Make the note anyway.

Zechs: (rolls eyes)

8-"I've been molested by bad men... "

-- Treize: (pouts)

Zechs: (pats him consolingly)

9-"Treize shoving vegetables up your ass makes you horny?"

-- Treize: (blushes slightly, smiles humbly)

Zechs: (sighs and shakes his head)

10-"Bananas," Trowa answered shortly. Quatre raised a curious eyebrow at him. Trowa flushed slightly. "I don't want to talk about it."

-- Rashid: (grins widely)

11-... leaving only the skintight white undershirt...

-- Zechs: (salivates)

Treize: (looks away whistling as he whacks Zechs' helmet with his sword.)

Zechs: (stumbles dizzily as his helmet resonates like a gong)

12-"I want to get laid, damn it!"

-- Treize: (physically restrains Zechs)

13-The two were rubbing against one another, not very subtly, while eyeing their respective partners like large jungle cats would raw meat at feeding time.

-- Treize: (leering) Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...

Zechs: (frowning) Gratuitous, sir.

Treize: (pouting) But it's my number, Milliard! I had to do it!

14-Quatre repressed a shudder at the look Trowa was giving him. He'd wanted to take a nice bath and turn in early tonight.

-- Rashid: (sighs and shakes his head) Oh, Master Quatre...

15-Heero watched the two pilots caressing one another in a manner that came very close to being downright indecent, right there at the dinner table, and once again congratulated himself on selecting spandex for his wardrobe.

Treize: (slightly flushed) Speaking of which... Milliard... where did he toss that camcorder?

Zechs: (already taping) Right over here, sir.

16-Wufei was whimpering softly under the table, but couldn't be heard over Duo and Trowa as they began singing in unison again.

-- Treize: (thoughtfully) My poor Dragon shall need comforting...

17-"Damned if I'm sitting out," Trowa countered, resuming the song as he dragged a struggling, but somewhat intrigued Quatre toward the still-open door.

- Rashid: (shedding tears of emotion, smiling broadly) Oh, Master Quatre... you're growing up at last...

18-"... Are you busy? I've got this strange craving for... zucchini... "

-- Treize: (on cell phone, beams happily): Milliard?

Zechs: (testily, hands him a zucchini) Your squash, sir.

Treize: (raises an eyebrow at him) Don't you want to play, too?

Zechs: (ponders a moment, then smiles wickedly)

Rashid: (still weeping copiously and grinning) Oh, Master Quatre...

[back to Aoe's fic]