Author: Merula

Touch

I could blame it on my past. Yeah, that would be the easy route. After a life where bad things happened that I couldn't control because I was too young and too weak to stop them, I need to be in control now.

That sounds too easy though. I could blame it on the war. Another thing that swept me up and controlled me and maybe somehow warped me.

I don't think that's it either. I think it's just me.

It's my kink, my need, my trip... I never take it too far. I have my career to think of after all. If any of this side-life of mine got back to HQ, they would have to get rid of me. So I never go as far as I want to.

I'm standing here now, in this dark smoky club, hair in a ponytail rather than my braid, a mask shielding my face, listening to the buzz of the crowd, smelling the stale air and all the scents that drift on it in a place like this.

I don't really like being here, but it's the only place I could find that would let me indulge. So I wait patiently for my cue.

The routine is familiar, the submission, the demonstration of certain things for the audience... this group is mostly tourists. It's kind of fun to listen to them whisper in horrified tones even as their eyes avidly watch the show.

Our lady's hand gestures for me and I go to do my part. I bind her sub carefully, not needing any direction, doing my job... Later I'll relive this over in my bed and take the time I need to enjoy it, but not here and now. That's not my place nor is it my purpose here.

Yes, I just tie them up. That's all. No more. I don't get off on any of the rest. I wouldn't have sex with any of them- not that they aren't nice people... our lady works in a nursing home in her day job, but I can't let someone that close to me. Personal ties like that are dangerous and I'm not in to casual fucking.

Maybe that's why I like to do it- tied down, no one can get closer than I want them to be.

The show runs through to its usual finish- my job complete; I push my way through the crowd and outside. I pause in the alley to pull off my mask and tuck my hair up under a cap. With my jacket zipped tight, I'm just another guy on his way home. Nothing to see here folks...

I step out of the alley, turning right, setting a fast pace. I want to get home.

There's only a step or two to alert me before someone falls into step beside me.

"Late night Duo?"

"What are you doing down in this area Heero?" Where the hell did he come from? This wasn't the type of place where I expected to run into my partner. Did he have some secret fetish too? That made me grin in spite of myself. Heero was not that kind of guy...

"I was waiting for you to finish." Heero isn't looking at me, so I don't think he saw my jaw drop to the ground. "Interesting performance."

"What the hell were you doing there?"

"Une sent me."

"WHAT?" Oh, this was it. I was so fired. Damn it.

"She caught your show a few nights ago."

I stop dead in my tracks. Une had been there?

Heero stops too, turning to look at me. To my surprise, he smiles. "It was a girls night out party- nothing like you're thinking." Oh whew, for some reason that relieves me. "She called me into her office yesterday and asked me to talk to you."

"About what?"

He reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me along with him as he starts walking again.

"What do you think? You can't keep working there Duo- if word gets out that 02, one of our best and brightest agents is working in a..."

"I know, I know..." I snap at him, irritated. "Is she going to fire me?"

Heero shakes his head. "'Best and brightest' were her words. She doesn't want to lose you. She just wants you to be reasonable. She recognized you-" I see his eyes move up to the cap that covers my hair.

Yeah, I know it makes it obvious, but hell if I'm going to cut it.

"So others could too." I nod. "Okay, I'll quit."

"Can you?" He gives me an odd look.

I laugh at him. "It's not like I'm under contract Heero..."

"That's not what I meant. Can you give it up?" He's looking straight ahead, perfectly serious.

It takes me a minute to get what he's saying. "I'm not a sex addict, Heero."

"I didn't say you were." He shakes his head, and I can see I'm frustrating him. "Look, would you say that it's something that you need to do?"

That makes me pause. Can I give it up?

It doesn't matter. I have to, that's all. I tell Heero this and he frowns.

"Can't you ask one of those people you date to do this for you?"

"Heero, first off I don't date anyone. I have a lot of friends, yeah, but that's all. Secondly I'm not going to ask one of my friends: ‘hey, can I tie you up?'" I grin. "Can you imagine Chang's reaction if I did though?"

That makes him smile. It is a funny picture.

My smile drops off my face in sheer shock at his next comment though.

"I'll do it for you."

I'm sure I didn't hear him right. Heero Yuy did not just volunteer to let me... no. No way.

"I don't mind and that way you won't be tempted to go back to work down here."

Okay, he did volunteer. I blink wondering if I've somehow wandered into an alternative reality. Or maybe I'm dreaming? "You'd let me... Why?"

"You are my partner and I don't want to lose you. So, if you need to do this, I'll let you do it to me."

"You'll let me tie you up." I say, just to make sure.

"Yes." I study him for a moment, his _expression is calm and his eyes meet mine without a flicker. He is serious about this...

The image of Heero bound and at my feet slips in front of my mind's eye and I have to take a deep breath. Not because it's an unfamiliar image-it's one of my favorites... but because it seems to be suddenly within my reach.

And if I did have Heero that way...

"No." I shake my head and walk faster. Heero keeps even pace with me.

"Why not?"

"Heero, don't be stupid. Look, I may only tie people up in the club, but if I had someone to myself... " If I had you to myself... "I wouldn't just want to tie them up. I'd want to do—other things." That ought to scare him off.

"I realize that. My offer is still open." He doesn't even blush.

So he'd let me... I don't understand this at all.

I grasp for another straw. "Wouldn't it change the dynamics of our working partnership?" I like that reason, right out of the Preventers manual.

"No." I wait for a moment, but that's it.

"Just no?"

"I have an idea about that." He stops. "My car is over there. Let me drive you home."

I usually walk up to the bus station in the better part of town and get home that way. A car ride would be nicer, I tell myself, that's why I'm taking Heero up on his offer. Not so he can persuade me to do this. Really.

"Didn't want to park your baby down by the club?" I ask as I belt myself in. Maybe I can change the subject.

"Not really." He shrugs as he starts the engine. "No offense Duo, but that's not the best area of town. Plus, I knew you would walk for a while and I thought that was the best way to talk to you."

"You knew?" Then it hits me. Une talked to him about this yesterday. I was at the club yesterday night- Heero must've been there too. "You watched for two nights?"

"Intelligence is essential to a mission."

"So getting me to tie you up is a mission?" So that's how he's thinking of this—a mission. I'm not sure I like this.

"No. Getting you to work out your needs with someone safe is my mission."

"So if we could find someone else, it would be better?"

He shrugs. "You yourself said you aren't dating anyone. I know about your need and I'm willing to help you. I‘m not sure why you haven't agreed yet. The situation is optimal."

"Because it's you."

He raises an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

"You're my partner- and my best friend. It doesn't..." I stumble over the explanation and he manages another thrust.

"Who better to help you? Don't you trust me?"

"You know I do." I shake my head. "But Heero- what do you get out of this?"

He frowns. "You get to keep your job and I get to keep my partner. Isn't that enough?"

It doesn't seem like it to me. I cross my arms and look out the window. How do I explain to Heero that this situation- though tempting as all hell- is not going to work for me?

I hear him blow out a breath. "Duo- would it help if I asked you to help me in a similar way?"

"Similar way?" I repeat. Heero doesn't... no.

"There is something I need to do- not like you- differently. I need someone I trust to do it as well..." Now he's flushing.

Why does this make me feel better?

"An exchange of services?"

"Yes."

I consider this. It would mean letting Heero do something to me I might not be comfortable with- but then again, this is Heero. He has been my partner for years. I trust him.

And I want him badly.

So maybe his need gave me the justification. Maybe it made it fair. Maybe I just decided that if Heero needed something that way, I wanted to be the one to provide it.

"Okay."

I see him smile in relief, his Duo-is-being-reasonable-finally smile and nearly laugh. I realize that I'm relieved too- and I wonder why.

I don't have time to speculate.

"So, what do you need for this?"

Huh? "What do I need?"

"Supply-wise?"

Oh I see, we're approaching this like a mission.

"I'm... not sure. Where are we doing this?"

"I have a spare room in my house. I think it would be better to use that rather than your apartment."

"More private."

It's easier to talk about it like this, like it's a mission we have to accomplish and nothing more. By the time Heero drops me off at my place, we have a list and a plan for the room.

As I wave goodbye to him, I wonder what the hell I've done.

+

Two weeks pass. I don't go to the club. I do call Our Lady and explain my circumstances. She expresses her concerns over losing me, but understands.

Heero tells me a few days after our talk that he has things ready when I need them. That makes me feel bad- shouldn't I have helped out?

He brushes off my concerns. He had a free weekend, I didn't- no problem.

So, all I need to do is tell him that I'm ready. That my need kicked in...

Of course, in these last two weeks it has kicked in. I hadn't realized how much I needed to have that control... but still, I can't help but wonder what it will do to our partnership- what it will do to me...

I also wonder what the hell I will do to Heero. Like I said- I've never actually gone beyond the tying up. I told him during that listing of supplies in the car that I didn't know what I would want to do next... beat him? Fuck him? Just look at him?

I didn't put it exactly that way to Heero, but he said that he'd be prepared for anything.

But I'm worried. What will I do when I have the culmination of my fantasies at my feet?

So I do nothing.

Heero, I realize, is not so patient. One afternoon as we're working in our office, he stops typing and looks at me, eyebrow raised.

"What?" His gaze moves pointedly to my hands. I look down. As I've read through the file on my desk, I have twisted my braid around my wrists and hands.

I hastily untangle them.

"I'll expect you at 7 tonight." He says and turns back to his work.

Needless to say, I get nothing done the rest of the day.

+

I'm at his doorstep at 7 though, wondering what I've gotten myself into, but the need is strong...

Heero lets me in with a smile, takes my coat, no different that any other time I've come over.

This time though, I follow him down the hallway, stop at a closed door.

"I have an idea to make this easier for us." He says. "Give me five minutes before you come in. Okay?"

"Heero- are you sure about this?"

He meets my eyes. "Yes. Once you are in there you can do anything you want. Anything. Is that clear? And what goes on in this room, stays in this room."

So that's how we're going to work around the partnership/best friend thing. It might just work. That realization calms me a little and I nod.

He slips into the room and I'm left staring at the cream colored walls.

I wonder- what will Heero have me do to pay for this tonight?

I think about leaving, slipping out of his house... but I need too badly and I can't go back to the club. I need my job...

So I wait, and count off the minutes in my head.

Then I open the door.

I've been in this room before. It's Heero's spare bedroom. It had a small bed and a desk. They're both gone.

It now has a bed with wrought iron posts- similar to the posts we use in the club, but nothing so unusual that if someone else walked in they'd know what someone could use that frame for.

The desk has been replaced by a table. There are lots of things on that table... where did Heero find all this stuff? I can't see him going into a store... but he would go online... ah.

Heero is at the foot of the bed, by one of the posts, sitting on the floor... and he's not wearing anything except a blindfold.

I let my breath out and relax. Don't ask me why, but the blindfold will make this easier on me... maybe on him too. Maybe he can imagine I'm someone else. I will be able to do this without those knowing eyes of his watching me...

I go to the table, pick up the length of soft rope that is waiting for me there.

It's almost automatic then, I have done this before, after all... so many times... in reality- and in my fantasies.

His arms go above his head, tied to the post. The rope wraps around his body- is passed around his knees, spreading them wide, his ankles are bound to his thighs...

I take my time, enjoying it as I always do- but even more because this is Heero in my ropes, allowing me to do this to him, letting himself be placed at my mercy... It's a heady, delicious feeling...

And when I'm finished, I step back, standing up to look at him spread at my feet. He's bound securely, every breath he takes will make the rope slide against his skin... and he is obviously aroused...

It's hard to catch my breath for a moment.

I look over at the table... the devices for stimulating pain, the others for stimulating pleasure, some used for both- what do I want to use? All? None?

The vision of Heero tied up at my feet, helpless, mine-- is stimulating enough for me.

I look back down, entranced, and see the line of his mouth twitch a bit.

Heero's mouth is always firm- smiling or frowning. Nothing can break that control of his- but I see a crack in it now.

I kneel down beside him and slide a hand over his thigh. His body tightens, he inhales sharply and that corner of his mouth twitches again.

I realize then what I want. I get to my feet; fetch the things that I need from the table. I want to break that control. I want Heero to give it to me.

And he does.

When I finish with him, he's panting, moaning, twisting against the ropes, body shaking with the pleasure I've given him.

I get to my feet, and go into the bathroom. I wash quickly; bring a towel out to clean Heero up with as well. Then I free him of everything except the blindfold. I leave him as I found him, sitting at the foot of the bed, blindfold in place.

I go back out to Heero's living room and perch on his couch. I've been here hundreds of times. Heero's living room is as comfortable and familiar as my own.

I washed, but I can still smell Heero's scent in my hair, taste him in my mouth...

What do we do now? I know Heero said that whatever we do it stays in that room- but after...

My thoughts are interrupted as Heero joins me, smiling, calm, looking as he always does. "Are you hungry? Should we call for pizza?"

That again is comfortable and familiar. We've done this lots of times.

"Sure," my usual reply.

As we eat our pizza, ensconced on Heero's couch, watching the late show, I realize that Heero was right. We'll be okay. What happened in that room will stay there.

But why do I also feel disappointed?

On my way out the door, I pause and meet Heero's eyes. Fair is fair, I remind myself.

"What about you?" I ask, knowing he'll know what I mean.

"I'm not really ready yet..." and a faint blush darkens his cheeks. "I'll tell you when I am."

This worries me- what the hell does he want to do? It also panics me- how long will I have to wait? But Heero is still talking...

"I don't want you to think we have to take turns. We don't. The room is waiting whenever you need it. Okay?"

"Okay. Thanks." I tell him, and make my way home.

+

Weeks pass.

I keep going back.

At first I wait until he invites me, but after two weeks I find I can't wait anymore. I just show up on his doorstep. He always invites me in, always walks down the hallway with me, waits for me at the end of the bed, blindfold in place.

I tie him up everyway I can think of. I pleasure him until he's screaming. I use him over and over... He never complains, never tells me no, never acts any differently towards me outside of that room. Our partnership at work continues on the same as always, we play basketball, go to the movies, hang out- all the other things we usually do.

He always says ‘not yet' when I ask him about his turn.

I try not to go back. I try not to need this so much. The need has never been so strong before... and I can't get over the feeling that I'm using my best friend.

I begin to wonder if Heero really did have a need at all, or if he just said that to get me to agree to this.

That makes me feel guiltier.

But I still go. My need for him is stronger than anything else.

Then one night, six weeks or so after we start, I'm waiting for Heero on the couch after a very long session in the room. It's late; I'm not staying for the usual next part of the evening, no matter how much I enjoy those too.

Heero walks into the room, smiling like he always does- and I notice a faint wince when he sits down on the sofa beside me.

I realize that I've been here every night this week so far... no wonder he's that sore...

Guilty, I hunch up on the sofa. "What is it?" Heero asks. He knows me too well.

"I shouldn't come here so often-"

"You need to Duo. It's okay."

"No. We were going to exchange services and this has all been for me. I can't... I'm doing this too much. It was better when I went to the club. I could- control it easier..."

I still could control it easier- if it wasn't Heero.

Heero is staring off into space when I stutter to a stop.

"Then maybe it's time for me to take my turn."

I wonder again what Heero would want, but that doesn't matter. I owe him no matter what it is he wants to do.

He meets my eyes. "Tomorrow night?"

I'm somewhat relieved to have a small reprieve. "Okay."

He shows me to the door, says goodnight like he always does.

+

The next day at work is busy and chaotic. I'm relieved that we have a few days off after this one, especially if tonight lives up to my worst fears.

I still show up at Heero's house at the right time. I owe him.

We walk down the hallway, but this time I'm the one who goes into the room. The blindfold is waiting for me at the foot of the bed.

I take off my clothes, putting them in a neat stack in the corner and pick up the blindfold.

I find I have to take a deep breath or two, my heart is racing and I need to calm down.

The blindfold goes on, blocking my sight, and I sit at the foot of the bed where Heero always waits for me.

I wonder what thoughts go through his head when he sits here. I wonder if he enjoys what we do. He seems to- and I take great care not to hurt him... what will he do to me now that I am at his mercy?

I hear the door open and close. I hear the rustle of fabric- Heero is taking off his clothes. I keep my breathing slow and steady.

Don't panic... don't panic....

Hands touch my arms; tug me gently to my feet. I stand as I am bid and those hands slide into my hair- undoing my braid. I have never taken it out in this room before.

The plait is undone, my hair spread around me, and I take a small comfort in the shelter it gives me.

His hands slide around my waist; his lips press firmly on mine.

This is familiar, and I welcome it. Heero excels at this skill, as I have happily discovered. His mouth is more demanding this time than usual, opening my lips instead of waiting for me to do so, tongue plunging inside my mouth as mine often did to his.

His hands tug me along, move me slowly a step at a time. His lips leave mine and he turns me so that my back is resting on his chest. His lips touch my shoulder... and then I am falling. I land on the bed, sheets sliding under my knees.

He falls after me, pressing me down on the bed and I know it's going to start soon.

My hands are lifted above my head, but he does not tie them. He simply wraps my fingers around the headboard, encouraging me to hold on.

I tighten my grip obediently, wondering what is going to happen next...

And Heero starts to touch me.

His hands slide over my body slowly, touching every part- my shoulder blades, the line of my spine, the back of my legs...

His mouth follows his hands, gently caressing. Slowly, carefully... a delightful torturous sensation.

No one has ever touched me like this before. Despite everything Heero and I have done together he has not gotten to touch me at all. I'm the one who touches him.

Even outside this room, I am the one who initiates contact- Heero never does. From what he's told me of his training I don't think that kind of touching was encouraged... is that why he wants this? Or is this the prelude to something else? Is he trying to relax me for what he is planning to do later?

His hands find the tense knots in my back and ease them. His mouth ignites my blood, makes me crave more of that wet, gentle touch. The warmth of his body vanishes for a moment and then I'm flipped over to lie on my back and his hands resume their wanderings.

His hands slide through my hair and I shiver. His mouth touches my neck, moves down my chest...

Oh...

Then his mouth is on mine again and I realize that I had bitten my lip, suppressed my moans...

"Let me hear you," Heero murmurs against my mouth, and then he does something with his hands that makes me gasp. "That's right..." His hands keep up their relentless assault. "Let go..."

His mouth slides down my body, teasing and demanding and I give into him. I free my voice and that only seems to encourage him more.

He tortures me, feathers light touches over places that burn to feel his fingers and lips, spends time lingering in places that I had no idea would make me scream...

When his fingers finally slide inside of me, I realize that I'm begging, pleading with him... and I don't care. My control is gone, given to him, as he has so often given his to me- and he's won it with his touch alone.

When his fingers slide out and he replaces them with his cock, my orgasm shakes through me and I come right then.

"Oh yes...." I hear him hiss, and then he begins to fuck me...

No, that's wrong. That's not what this is.

Why didn't I realize it before? Only Heero could do this to me, make me feel this way... after weeks of letting me take his control, I'm able to surrender mine. After weeks of letting me touch him, I can allow him to touch me.

What we have between us is more than sex, more than trust... it's something much more powerful...

The revelation makes me tighten under his hands, and he encourages me to take my pleasure again.

We collapse together, still joined, and I reach up and pull my blindfold off.

Heero meets my eyes and smiles.

"I don't want to do this again," I tell him and that smile falters. "I don't want to hide this anymore. I want to be able to touch you outside of this room- and have you touch me..." That sounds beyond lame, but Heero's smile brightens again.

"That's what I need." He tells me and kisses the corner of my mouth. "That's what I've been waiting for."

end

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